And gratuitous violence for all

1. Bloggers, in this season of good will and general cheer I had the sudden impulse to make a list of all the people I’ve had, throughout my not so short, not so eventful life, reasons to wish bad, bad things. Just to take it all down a notch.

2. To the random guys in the street who ever had the nerve to come up to me and call me ugly, just because they could without fear of retaliation; just because they were male and that in a certain brand of French youth culture, it’s a very cool thing to do, to those I wish explosive, uncontainable, volcanic diarrhoea in a public space. On a white pants day.

3. To the bloke who got out his rifle and shot at the random passing car that day of March 1979, I wish spontaneous combustion. What an aim you had, though, or did you miss? We couldn’t tell, the bullet went neatly in though the back window and out again right in front of my face. Shame my mother had the poise to drive away as fast as she could, or you would have had the chance to have another go.

4. To the man who pushed us into his car and sped along the empty road saying he was going to kill us, just for kicks, I wish that your worse nightmare comes true and that your hair falls out overnight; and I wonder, what took my mother so long to divorce you?

5. I think I might be too nice.

6. Bloggers, did you notice? I don’t wish any of my exes any harm.