Blood pressure
Tonight I sat, positively mesmerized, grinning at Watchdog on BBC1.
What a fantastic programme.
Dodgy double glazing salesmen, falsely advertised slimming pills sellers, disappearing estate agents; and, on the other side, a fearless team of sympathetic, tastefully clad investigators, exposing the villains, putting things right, protecting the innocent, booing the bastards.
How could I not love it. How it quenches my thirst for justice!
You see, I can’t bear plots, any plots, in which the premise is false accusations, betrayal, undeserved punishment.
I watched Anger management for a total of 13 minutes before I had to stop it, with a racing pulse and tears in my eyes. ( this poor man , he doesn’t have behaviour issues) Most of Dickens’ books were an ordeal. (evil stepfathers, schoolmasters, bullies) I had to get up and pace around several times during the first part of Gladiator.(after he’s betrayed by the emperor, his wife and son are mercilessly slaughtered by the Roman army) I might know that the hero or heroin will be rightfully avenged by the end; I know, I know, these plots are predictable; I just cannot bear it. I have to skip paragraphs. Fast forward. Remind myself it is only a book. I want the Watchdog team to come in earlier in the film. Hell, I want to be the watchdog team. Expose the villain to a booing crowd, hang him high and dry, light a fire under his feet.
On the other hand, I am fascinated with revenge novels –in which pay back time is the plot. The Count Of Monte Cristo is at the pinnacle of my personal pantheon. Wrongly accused by some guy who fancies his wife-to-be, he is imprisoned for 19 years, during which he learns much from a fellow inmate; a successful escape and a treasure enable him to plan his rise in the world and his revenge upon those who betrayed him. He is a bitter, magnificent character; his thirst for vengeance will eventually take his humanity out of him; but the 1000 page process is, for me, ever so satisfying.
I read Stephen Fry’s rip off – The stars’ tennis balls- with similar satisfaction. (I skipped fewer paragraphs, the book is slimmer.)

When I grow up, I want to be the Count of Monte Christo. Or one of the Famous Five. Or Fantômette.