It’s sex, but not as we know it.

1) I’m early for my appointment. I stand by the lift. Why do people think that if they keep pressing the button it'll make the lift come faster? That works with women...NOT with lifts.

2) I stride into the waiting room, (callously) hoping that a sexual health clinic might be excellent blogging material. But there’s no-one else there; the pile of magazines and basket of help yourself! Condoms and dental dams are all mine for the taking. Strawberry? They only have flavours I don’t like.

3) the (gay) Nurse Practitioner is.. let’s say I could put her in my pocket, she’s that cute.

4) -While I get the room ready, would you mind reading through this leaflet on sexual health we’re working on? Feedback would be great, she says.
-Sure.
-We’re rewriting it because the old one had quite a lot of slang words and people didn’t like it.
-Oh, I smile. Maybe you should have different versions for different members of the public. Colour coded, so they’d know what level of slang they’re getting. Baby pink for ‘your lady garden 101’. Crimson for ‘Love your pussy, love yourself’. Deep purple for ‘your cunt and its tribulations’.
I’m high as a kite and very very anxious, I can’t seem to be able to shut up.

5) Later, confident in the knowledge that all is well with the lady garden (baby pink version), I run down the stairs (lifts, pah; don't come fast enough).

6) what if some day I run into cute NP Jenny in some dyke bar?
Hey, have we met? You look familiar. She'll already have a whole file on me!! Maybe she'd start reading it out at the bar. Screened for chlamydia, gonohrrea, HIV, B.V, thrush and syphillis'. Mmm.

6) To be continued.