And this is why I turned down that $70 Million contract

‘How are things at Megalopolitan pictures ?’ asked Sir Ambrose.
‘Greatly disturbed. We are having trouble with Juanita Del Pablo.’
‘Luscious, languid, and lustful?'
‘Those are not the correct epithets. She is – or rather was – ‘surly, lustrous and sadistic.’ I should know because I composed the phrase myself. Miss Del Pablo has been a particular protégée of mine from the first. I remember the day she arrived. Poor Leo bought her for her eyes. She was called Baby Aaronson then –splendid eyes and a fine head of black hair. So Leo made her Spanish. He had most of her nose cut off and sent her to Mexico for six weeks to learn flamenco singing. Then he handed her to me. I named her. I made her a anti-fascist refugee. I said she hated men because of her treatment by Franco’s moors. That was a new angle then. It caught on. And she was really good in her way, you know- with a truly horrifying natural scowl. Her legs were never photogénique but we kept her in long skirts and used an understudy for the lower half in scenes of violence. I was proud of her and she was good for another ten years’ work at least.
And now there’s been a change of policy at the top. We are only making films this year to please the league of decency. So poor Juanita has to start at the beginning as an Irish colleen. They’ve bleached her hair and dyed it vermilion. I told them that colleens were dark but the Technicolor men insisted. She’s working ten hours a day learning the brogue and to make it harder for the poor girl they’ve pulled all her teeth out. She never had to smile before and her own set was good enough for a snarl. Now she’ll have to laugh roguishly all the time. That means dentures. I’ve spent three days trying to find a name for her. She’s turned everything down. Maureen there are two already. Deirdre – no one could pronounce it. Oonagh- sounds Chinese. Bridget – too common. The truth is, she’s in a nasty temper.’

From The loved ones, Evelyn Waugh. Read it. If only because you’ve watched all four series of Six Feet under and miss the atmosphere of funeral homes.