In hell it’s Christmas every day.
Internet, you don’t need me to puke all over Christmas; it’s been done before. It makes teenagers feel cool, and grown ups look more clued up about this shitconsumeristsociety.
So let’s quote Loudon Wainwright III instead, why not:

Suddenly it's Christmas,
The longest holiday.
The season is upon us;
A pox, it won't go away.
It's a season, it's a marathon,
Retail eternity.
It's not over till it's over
And you throw away the tree.

I think I used to like Christmas; but my liking of all things Christmassy went away along with frozen food, the year Oxford Street’s decorations were sponsored by Bird’s eye : a mile-long shimmering tunnel of orange Bird’s eye logos. Christmas has to start early to keep the punters busy; over here, we don’t have Halloween and Thanksgiving to tide us over. Halloween in the uk is but a cheap mess, since Brits don’t like each other enough for it to turn into a big warm gushing feast of neighbourness. (And some psychos put gross stuff on doorbells to put the kids off anyway.) As to Thanksgiving, it does sound like a nice idea now that I’ve understood that no, it’s not just pigging out to celebrate the fact that a bunch of white blokes nicked the land from some brown ones after a merry slaughter. No, it’s not! I know better now, you see, Internet. One day I was on Ignorant Foreigner mode, I questioned the nature of Thanksgiving, that exotic notion. An explosion ensued: did I really want to shred (or was it tear? rip? surely not disembowel? my memory fails me) every possible joy in her life? Did I? DID I?
Hell, no; malevolent and wicked I may be- or I wouldn’t be able to do the job I do; but one should draw the line at asking questions about Thanksgiving. So I grabbed my keys, shut my big foreign trap and retreated.
Internet, I’m not sceptical anymore about it, now that I’ve had the (calm) rationale behind it; in fact I can think of worse things that the prospect of pigging out with the people I love. All three of them. On the other hand, I am seriously not looking forward to Christmas: it’s my family’s favoured time of year for funerals. Wait, we also do April.
So what as my point: oh yeah, I’m a grumpy cunt today. Thank you for listening.