One day down, nine more to go

1. Naturally I come home after work to find my home upside down.
Mother is wearing the old ‘I have issues' T-shirt that Charlie bought me over two years ago, as well as my most treasured pair of jeans to do the gardening. The garden and kitchen have been given a makeover, the fridge’s been filled, so the (freshly, vehemently brushed) cat can’t quite make up his mind between sulking in a corner (no more long grass) or rejoicing (the fridge’s full.)

2. The plants have been re-potted, the books placed in alphabetical order on the shelves, she’s engaged in a lively discussion with the Italian lady next door on the merits of natural fertilizers. Of course they don’t understand each other too well; my neighbour’s English sounds straight out of Naples, and my mother’s is, well, straight out of a phrase book.

3. Blogpeople, I need to plan my escape. I have friends and lover to see. How best to broach the subject? Mother, it’s not that you’re boring, but I need to go have a life. Mother, enough is enough, and anyway I have a hot date on Saturday/Sunday. No you can’t come along to see if she’s suitable, and anyway she’s harder to understand that the Italian neighbour. Yes it’s a she, and I’m not going back. Now can you keep yourself busy for an evening?

4. Still awaiting survival packages of vitamins and booze.