1. am·biv·a·lence .
Pronunciation: am-'biv-&-l&n(t)s
Function: noun
simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action -a heightened ambivalence which is expressed in behaviour by alternating obedience and rebellion, followed by self-reproach —am·biv·a·lent /-l&nt/ adjective —am·biv·a·lent·ly adverb
Latin ambi-valentia

2. March 2005 :
It’s not a comfortable place to be, is it, he says with a knowing smile. It’s a bit like chemotherapy: you bombard the bad cells and in the process kill the good ones too. Doesn’t your ambivalence stop you from enjoying the good sides?

I think: I’m not sure I understand.

3. August 2004:
The problem I have with you is that you’re so.. inconsistent, and I don’t want to deal with it anymore, she nearly screams, trying to keep her voice down. She can’t take the risk to shout. I won’t listen to shouts. If she manages not to shout, she’ll be right.

I think: I have failed again.

4. Look at me.
I thought ambi-valence could actually be a good thing. Valuing both sides. Being able to weight pros and cons, making balanced decisions, understanding other people’s diverging opinions. I thought it could be a strength, an asset, and extra something that would lend me clarity of vision. I thought it would always guard me from believing in greener grass. I thought it was both sides of the coin, the reasoning to my dreaming, the sensible to my silliness, the ‘I love you with al my soul’ to my ‘there’s no such thing as forever.’

5. Why does this word have such negative connotation anyway? Again – to value both.

6. So, if being ambivalent is such a bad thing, where do I go from here? And do I really want both sides to reach symmetry? Will people like me better?

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I’m tired, people of blogland. I’m also cold, so,,automatically, eating too much.
Last night I had a dream about A’s friends. I liked her friends and the way they obviously cared about her. Maybe it was in my job description to hear her complain about them and criticise them, but I rarely felt she gave them enough credit. I don’t know why I’m even writing this. That dream, strange day, stream of consciousness. I don’t know. Thank you for stopping by. Be well.