It’s a heavy legacy, you know

4 lessons I’ve (unfortunately) learnt from my mother
If you want to be happy in life, don’t be like me.
If you expect too much from your friends, you’ll end up not having any.
Original/quirky people end up alone.
Nothing you ever do is to be taken seriously.

4 lessons I’ve learnt from my stepfather (and tried to forget)
when in doubt, shout; works every time.
when wrong, say you’re right. Works every time.
When they still won’t listen, break furniture.
To make your family comply, push them into your car, drive in a straight line way beyond the speed limit and tell them you’re going to kill them. Works every time.

2 lessons I’ve learnt from my grandmother (and laughed off)
If you get up later than 9am you’ll have breakfast too late, and then you won’t be hungry for lunch.
Italians and Poles have lice, Eastern Europeans are thieves, Americans are megalomaniac, and English people will pretend they can’t understand you.

How could anyone expect me to be balanced after all that?

Finally:

5 lessons I’ve learnt from J
When it comes to dessert, it’s not quality, it’s quantity that counts.
Newly purchased underwear needs to spend at least two months on top of the piano before it can be worn, and then it has to be inside out.
Never underestimate the Power of the Cuddle.
Stupid jokes get funnier every time.
Easter eggs consumption needs plenty of practice: one before, one during, and plenty afterwards, when they’re on sale in Woolworth’s.
Never take an idiot with you on your travels, you can always pick one up when you get there.

1 lesson I’ve learnt from my cat:
if in doubt, nap.