I confess
…that I am a lurker. I lurk, internet, people of blogland, on some of Those Websites, where desperate singles mingle with voyeurs pretending to be women, bisexual women trying to pull a threesome in the company of their husband, friendless antisocial types trying to make friends. I’m a lurker with a profile. I use full sentences on it, and it’s even got a picture; often, strangers write to me.

Today’s message #1
Firstly I must say that having just seen your profile I think you are incredible, and that it would be amazing to be part of your life in any way. Please let me serve you or worship you. Let me do chores or just be there for your amusement. I must confess that I am a fun guy and just think you are fantastic. I know i should not be looking at your profile but was on the site out of curiosity (friend works for Qsoft), and saw your profile and knew that if i did not try and get in touch I would forever regret it. I would do anything you ask just to show my admiration of you. I can cook, clean, drive, be a butler, a housekeeper or a gardener or anything else you may require. I am a 30 year old white male with my own business and my own car so travel is never a problem. It would be wonderful to talk with you about this as I feel I could have much to offer you if given a chance. If you feel kind and maybe a tiny bit interested then I would love to hear from you. It would be wonderful to receive a reply from you and i will answer all questions etc promptly and in full. I also have a webcam and am on msn messenger etc if u want to chat. Living in hope of your kindness. Brad

Well, that’s ever so nice, Brad. And it really doesn’t look like an infinitely copied and pasted job. But, Brad, I have to tell you; it wouldn’t be amazing to be part of my life. In any way. I’m grumpy, messy, and prone to mood swings and mild flatulence. I leave the cap off the shampoo bottle and I squeeze out the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. And I’m not so kind, really. I’ve also been told that my greatest fault is inconsistency and I’ve deducted that it makes me impossible to be in a relationship with. So that’s out. In addition, I don’t really have space in my tiny flat for a butler or a housekeeper. The garden is currently living its own life.
But I really, really hope you find someone who goes beyond my polite answer, and takes you seriously.

Today’s message #2
xxxx with a glamorous modelling shot.
What do you mean, xxxx? Oh I get it; I’m meant to look at your picture of gorgeousness, instantly feel smitten and do all the chatting and entertaining work? Am I meant to be witty for two?
Attention seeker.
Lazy cow.
You’re not even my type.
I bet you can’t spell.

* Grumpy. *

That’s all. I’m feeling a bit sad. Nothing new there.