Talk dirty to me or the kitty gets it

1. Situation:. Let’s say you’re all crushed out on some pretty lady.
2. Problem: she won’t return your affection, possibly throw out your flowers, hangs up on you, refuses to meet your parents or share your toothbrush.
3. Solution #1 : Stalking - so 2004, even though a restraining order is just another way to say I love you.
4. Solution #2 : a) kidnap her dogs b) demand sex as ransom.
5. She refuses? Compromise: demand phone sex as ransom.
6. Still won’t do it? Ok, then, fine, demand.. sex text messages as ransom.
7. Kick furniture, sulk , give up and return the dogs.

True story, people of blogland. Just not mine. I’m not all crushed out on anyone with a dog. A cat, she has.