What do you get when you shake a palm tree?

People of Blogland, you know -this dating thing, it’s getting someplace. Possibly because Spring does thing to us humans, things involving hormones and overflow and surges of hope and optimism; and because yours truly has almost properly glued back her heart together, and therefore is not immune, yours truly has been chatting up strangers on the Internet, and deleting the history when staying at her mother’s, as chronicled earlier on.

1. The self-advertisement
…means it’s fun trying to squeeze your life into little internet boxes.
Who am I? A physically lazy person who walks too fast; I was the last one to be chosen for team sports at school, but therapy is giving some good results so far.
What am I looking for? Someone who can spell and who owns a corkscrew and a set of wine glasses that aren’t nutella jars. And quality sex, obviously. Eventually.
Add a picture. Step back and wait. Yes, they’ll come. They always do.

2. It’s a bit like setting a trap
… and they bite. Oh yes. Now, don’t pounce. Slowly does it.

3. The selection
..is ruthless. A few examples, purely for fun:

specimen #1 Interest in football is a must
I’m sure there’ll be plenty of nice ladies who will cater for you, but it won’t be me. My fetish isn’t oversized nylon shirts, nylon shorts and knee-length socks. (Although of course I might make an exception for knee-high socks, with the right outfit.)

#2 Must like Coronation Street as from Manchester originally.
That makes perfect sense. And you must profess a love for the Michelin man, cos he and I come from the same place. Still, I don’t have a TV. So, no.

#3 i like goin clubbin LOADS wi any1 up 4 a laugh. but it dont av2 all b about sex but it helps.. ha O yes i`m very sarki 2 but in a nice wayxxbut dont get me wrong i like stayin in n gettin all loved up just as much,romance is the boy!! god wot bollox dont u feel like your just sellin uself on ere ha .. luv it anwayxxxx if your a crazy mofo let me know!!!
So articulate, so subtle, so refined. Right. Lady, you’re not going to stay in and get loved up with me, that’s for sure. I’m so not a crazy mofo.

#4 i love to stay in bed the whole and have sex. As for breakfast, lunch and diner we will have strawberries, oysters and champagne. But i like also to do crazy things like in get in the car in the middle of the night and go for a drive to the coast and have a nice walk on the beach
Now that’s crazy. And strawberries and champagne aren’t at all tacky or clichéd. I’m starting to swoon.


4. and then what?
And then you while away the hours tap tap tapping to strangers, slowly easing into flirting, and you get phone numbers and offers of dates. No, I get phone numbers, and offer the dates. I have four promising leads, people of blogland.
The most promising of my potential dates shares a birthday with me; me and Jeffrey Dahmer. So it’s hit or miss, really, this star sign thing. Either she’ll turn out to be a fairly self-aware, adjusted and functioning woman, or a psycho fiend. Hell, I’d have dated Jeffrey Dahmer if he’d been willing to meet up in a public, well-lit place. Still, she’s agreed to go have coffee with me. Then I suggested fish and chips. She said yes. Then I offered dinner. She also said yes. I must come across as really really charming, and she obviously doesn’t know about Jeffrey Dahmer.
Fool.

5. To be continued.